When I served as a church missionary in Chile, I obviously had to learn Spanish, which was incredibly difficult for me in the beginning. What really tripped me up were the verb conjugations, which I think is understandable for all English-speakers. I mean, think about the verb "to speak." In present tense, we have I speak, you speak, he/she/it speaks, we speak, you (pl.) speak, and they speak. The only difference is the "s" in third person singular (he/she/it), with the occasional irregular verb, e.g. "have" to "has." Past tense: I spoke, he spoke. Future tense: I will speak, he will speak. Conditional: I would speak, he would speak. You get the picture. But in Spanish, it totally changes. In present tense alone, we get hablo, hablas, habla, hablamos, hablais, and hablan. In past (there are two past tenses in Spanish, preterite and imperfect, so here's both), we have hablé and hablaba, hablaste and hablabas, hablamos and hablábamos, etc. You see what I see, right? It's complicated.
At the same time, though, at least it was familiar. I knew what all these tenses were, so I could relate them to English phrasing so they made sense. There was, however, one tense in Spanish that completely threw me: subjunctive. Now, within subjunctive, there's past and present. Present is a lot easier, and I soon mastered it. But past subjunctive was a different story. Hablara, hablaras, habláramos, etc. You can also say hablase, hablases, hablásemos, etc. To apply it to English, it's basically how you form "if/then" statements, the subjunctive following the "if" and the conditional (would) following the "then."
For example, "if I had a million dollars, then I would be rich." "Would be" is unique to the conditional tense, but it's super easy; you just add "would" to the verb root (or "infinitive"), in this case "be." But in English, the "if" part is even easier. You say "if I had" if it's hypothetical, and you say "I had" if it's actually something you possessed in the past. It's the same for "if I went to Japan" and "I actually went to Japan." "If I could fly" and "I could fly when I was younger." The conjugation is exactly the same.
Or so I thought.
I eventually discovered that we actually do have past subjunctive: "If I were you." We just don't recognize it because it only exists for one verb, "to be." Most people seem to think that the "were" is there because of the "you," but the subject is "I." Besides, how would that make sense if "if you were me" has the same conjugation? No one says "if I was you." The only acceptable way to go about this is to say "if I was yous" with a Brooklyn accent, no exceptions.
This even applies to other verbs if we phrase them slightly differently: "if I were to have," for instance, and "if I were to go." That construction isn't as common, but we understand it, right? Why do we say "if I were"? Two words, perhaps the worst I had ever heard in the Spanish language: past subjunctive.
By this point, you probably won't be surprised that I cringe when I hear people say "if I was older," "if I was smarter," "if I was" anything! The word "was" has snuck itself into a place where where it doesn't belong. But I'm glad for the discrepancy, to be honest. Being back in the United States, I now recognize how often we say "if/then" statements (cringing helps you notice things better). We all say them almost constantly.
I've come to the conclusion that we're never satisfied in this world. Everything is hypothetical, conditional, and reaching. We think, "If only I were _____, then I would be happy, have a girlfriend, or make more money," among many others.
Think for a moment about your conditional statements, your past subjunctive ideas. Here are some of mine: If I were in a steady relationship, I would feel like I was finally progressing in life. If I weren't so lazy, I would work a lot harder on my college papers. If I were to work harder on my papers, I would get better grades and possibly a scholarship. If I were a scholarship student, I would feel valued and set-apart. If I were more wealthy, I would buy better clothes and be less self-conscious on campus. If I were less judgmental, I would have more friends.
In Cool Runnings, one of my favorite movies, John Candy's character is a 375-pound man who once won the olympic gold medal but has lived the remainder of his life in shame after he was caught cheating to obtain another one. His team covets the gold more than air. In a very touching scene, John Candy says to the team captain, "Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."
The problem with past subjunctive, or at least our use of it, is that our confidence, happiness, and value are too often placed in things that don't matter. Who cares if I have money? Who cares if I have a scholarship? Yes, those things are nice, and there's nothing wrong with them. The problem is when my happiness depends on them. If I wasn't enough before I got a girlfriend, I won't be enough with her. (note: I just used "if I wasn't," which is past simple. It works in this case because it's modified by a clause in future tense, "I won't be," not conditional, "I wouldn't be"). But that doesn't mean that it's bad to speak conditionally. By closely examining our lives, we can see the hand of God leading, encouraging, and molding us into the people He wants us to be. If I were anyone else, I wouldn't be the person whom He wants me to be. It's also a great way to see where we should be investing our time and realizing what's holding us back from following our dreams.
When I decided to write this post, I asked a good friend about some of her "if I were" statements, and her response illustrated the proper way of thinking:
"If I were taller, I wouldn't be awesome at climbing on top of things like countertops and trees. If I were richer, I would spend more time on the arts. If I were braver, I would skip everywhere I go and not care what I looked like and be able to get places faster. If I were more disciplined, I would have and keep a workout schedule. If I were disciplined, I would finish the things on my to-do list. If I were taller, it wouldn't be as thrilling as it is to be picked up."
Inherent in her answers are gratitude and self-awareness, not jealousy nor vain ambition, and I wish I were more like that. I want to become more like that. I have to learn to be enough just the way I am. My growth depends on my effort to change, but my happiness shouldn't be dependent on anything except whether or not I exist. What a beautiful world, and what a beautiful life; unfortunately, I waste them wishing I were somebody else.
Sometimes, God cuts us down. He takes us places we don't want to go, asks us to do things we don't want to do, and sets us "back" a step or two (as we see it) just when we were getting ahead (as we see it). I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the trials I've experienced and the torture I've felt as I tried to change. Those changes were worth the effort in every way, and they're still in progress.
If I were you, I would have tuned out a long time ago, so I'm grateful that you made it this far. But I'm not you, and you're not me, and that's exactly the way that God intended it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. We all have a unique quality to offer the world, and we all have a lot to learn in different ways at different times. So if I were you, I wouldn't want to be anybody else.
This is one of my favorite religious videos. It's about being grateful for God's redirections and corrections in our lives:
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