Thus the misunderstanding between there, their, and they're began.
It was an honest mistake, really, but one that nonetheless drives me absolutely insane. I try not to let it get to me, but I can't figure out to how to ignore it. They same goes for "you're" and "your." *shiver*
I used to say that I wouldn't marry a girl who couldn't properly distinguish "you're" and "your," along with "there," "their," and "they're." I've since repented and realized that people can still be good people while not understanding grammar, but oh how it irritates me...
But people are people, and we make mistakes. And this is one of the most common, so I'll cut you all some slack and just explain the difference for those who don't know yet:
"There" is a nonspecific location that is not where we currently are. In other words, it's anywhere but "here" (and if you spell it "hear" instead of "here," so help me, I will—).
"Their" is like "my" or "your," but is belongs to the third person plural. E.g., "Those girls are eating a giant hamburger. Their hamburger is huge."
Closely related is the difference between "theirs" and "there's." "Theirs" is the object form of the subject "their," basically meaning that it goes at the end of a sentence rather than the beginning: "Their hamburger is huge. The hamburger is theirs." "There's," on the other hand, refers to the fact or existence of something: "There's a hamburger over there, and it's theirs." But remember that "there's" only covers singular items; "there are" is correct for plurality. "There's a hamburger being eaten by girls. There are girls eating a hamburger."
"They're" is the contracted form (the version with an apostrophe) of "they are." That's it. No special tricks. Just "they" and "are" combined and shortened, separated by an inverted comma.
Let's put it together now. "The girls have a hamburger. They're over there eating their hamburger. My hamburger is gone, so I hope there's some left over from theirs over there when they're done eating it."
Understand? I hope so.
The reason I bring this up is because 1) it's a problem and it needs to stop; 2) my girlfriend sent me the above meme, and it's hilarious; and 3) the meme reminded me of something that happened yesterday.
I got a ride home with some friends after class, and the one in the front seat joked, "What would you guys do if I randomly burst into tears?"
I rubbed her arm reassuringly and said, "Probably this. And then I'd say, 'There, there.'"
We all laughed at how ridiculous and ineffective the phrase "there, there" is. We all know it's horrible and not even the least bit comforting. So how do we comfort people?
The simple answer is that it's not that simple. We're all (kind of) unique, so we all have (kind of) unique needs. We respond differently to different approaches.
My girlfriend showed me a video the other day called "It's Not About the Nail." If you haven't seen it yet or just want to watch it again, you should click on this link: https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
I absolutely love this video! It's hilarious, and it's so true. Everyone I know who acts like the girl in this video denies that they do it, but that's beside the point. Some say that the only thing they need when they're upset is just to have someone listen to them. I disagree.
Don't get me wrong—validation is important, but it shouldn't be the end goal. We'll never change if all we do is seek out people who will tell us that we're always right. We shouldn't surround ourselves with people who belittle us, either, but God put us on earth with family, friends, and associates so we could work together through our problems. We need people who will tell us how to improve.
I love criticism. I hate rudeness, but those aren't the same thing. I love to feel like people understand what I'm going through. But when the problem is so visible to them yet just out of my sight (like on my forehead), then I'll be upset if they don't tell me how to fix it. If they don't know either, then I want to know that. I realized the other day that if somebody isn't afraid to tell me when something is amazing, when something is awful, and when something is decent but could use some work, I will trust that person until the dusk of eternity. I know that they'll tell me how they're really feeling, no matter how that is.
I think sometimes we confuse how we need to be comforted with how we want to be comforted. Coddling feels nice and all, but it's not constructive.
In the scriptures, God says that after an argument, we should go back, "showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom [we have] reproved" (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43). The increase of love implies a love that already existed and was known to the recipient.
I feel like the same thing applies when we give comfort. The recipient won't believe us unless they've seen and felt prior that we love them. They need to know that we won't judge harshly, ridicule, or rebuke them for their actions. They need to know that we'll never let them go, no matter what they say. That's how they'll come to us in the first place, and that's how they'll open up. That's how they'll believe our validation, and that's how they'll accept our feedback when we identify beneficial strategies. That's how they'll know that our only intention is to help them.
I don't know how everyone needs to receive their comfort, but I'm convinced that the best, most universal tactic is to love them long before they need comfort and to make sure they can't not know it. That will come through attention, sacrifice, kindness, and never, ever, saying the words, "There, there."
God is so good at comforting that His Spirit is known as The Comforter and His Son is also called The Second Comforter. Here's an impactful video about how God comforts us when we're having a hard time:
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